silver_toes

When you love someone, you don't love him all the time, in exactly the same way from moment to moment. It is impossible. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror of its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity, when the only continuity possible in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity, in freedom. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping even. Security in relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Just something i want to share.

It encompasses everything, well almost--about my concept of what love truly is. This quote says it all.

i think with my heart...

that is what people keep telling me. i feel so stupid knowing that i can do better--that i know better but it seems as if i can never surpass this. sometimes it just feels right but then you know that deep inside you, it can never be this way everytime. you cannot just feel, you have to think as well. I guess the reason why the Lord placed our heads on top of our hearts is to use it first. Use our heads first before consulting our hearts. There are times when you remember and do the right thing and times when you know you did the wrong thing but then felt it was right. The latter is what destroys us. We only think of what pleases us not the consequences that follow after. We become too caught up on the irrationalities or the enjoyment of whatever we do that we never realize that we are being slowly consumed by our ignorance--by our stubbornness. We do derive pleasure from things we enjoy, but is it what you really want or is it just temporary happiness? It is a challenge for us to think, not just feel. There has to be a balance between the two. An imbalance brings confusion and chaos to ourselves and the others around us...

think first with your mind, then consult your heart.

staring blankly into space,i ponder upon the complexities of life ...of love. That there really never is an assurance. That good things never last. That no matter how strong we seem we still end up being fragile--broken into pieces. Never realizing the poison that's within our system. Never really knowing what our purpose is. Why we keep hurting but still continue to love. No one promised that love was easy. No one said that it was forever. Only fairy tales promise forever. We hope against all hopes that everything would be fine. That everything is according to plan. But what really is the plan? How fine is fine? We dream of one day being carried away to a castle with our prince beside us always reassuring us of his undying love for us. But that can only happen in fairy tales. This is no fairy tale. This is reality. It sucks that no matter how hard you try to write a fairy tale it always ends up so mixed up that you tend to be stuck in a melancholic world-- stuck with a monotonous essay that no one bothers to read. Stuck in the hope that your world would be as candy coated and colorful just like our fairy tale books when we were younger. But it is not--and you have to deal with it--whether you like it or not.

How we deal with the circumstances in our life is up to us.

WE may either see this as something that hinders us from loving someone or it can be a motivation for us to continue loving that imperfect person perfectly. We do have ideals. An ideal man who is tall, dark and handsome who serenades us with romantic songs. who always answer our every call. who is always present when you need them the most. who is once again the prince in every fairy tale. But that is fantasy--a made up reality to make our hearts melt and make us dream that someone out there is willing to be that prince. That someone out there would meet our ideals. But no matter how hard we look or how far we search, we can never meet that perfect person--that prince charming. We have to make do with all the frogs presented to us in the hopes that a kiss would change everything. But no matter how hard or how long it takes for us to kiss that frog we have in our hands, it can never turn into a prince. it would always be that ugly, slimy frog. It would never be what we dream or hope it would be. Imperfect, full of blame, ugly... but when we truly love, we see beyond that. That no matter how disgusting and how ugly that may seem, we try our hardest to look deeper into what constitutes that whole. What makes that frog become the most beautiful creature on earth. Blind--yes. noble--maybe. idiot--without a doubt. But when you love, you don't expect anything. you don't ask for anything in return. It is by giving love that you receive more. That by accepting even the most unforgivable acts that you know that you truly love--not just with your heart but with your entirety--your whole heart and soul. Loving entails sacrifices. You cannot ask that person to love you in return. You just have to show them. It hurts becuase it seems unfair on your part. But that is the risk you take. You gamble. You win some you lose some. It is always fulfilling when you get something back and very disheartening when you get nothing in return. Again, it hurts. But you just can't ask that person to love you the same way, because no two individuals are the same. Love may be defined differently in that person's dictionary and you can never comprehend why. It is not what you receive that matters, but it is how much you give to that person that always counts.

We always dream that our stories are just like every written novel. But we write our own stories. We construct our sentences, we build our metaphors, we write our own script, we choose our endings. But the construction of these sentences does not mean that high faluting words are what makes the story shine, but it is those simple sentences that makes every word count. We dream of a Nobel prize with the stories we write--our life. We are winners even before we are finished writing. We may be dreaming of living in our fantasy world. That there is always a pot of rainbow in the end. It may be true, but it is how we walk that path can we truly be assured of that pot. WE can never stay dreaming. We have to wake up to the reality that shit happens. That we cannot expect everyone to love us the way we want them to. That we can never expect. That we can never demand. That all we have to do is to love. This is the essence of our being. This is what makes us breathe each day and realize that we have a purpose in this life. They never asked for it, we just have to willingly give even if everyone else chooses the other path. Loving someone and getting nothing back may seem unfair to those who think logically. But being logical isn't the only way to view things. Yes it may seem unfair but if you're willing to give real love, it wouldn't be much of an issue. Sometimes, irrationalities can even give us the most fulfilling feeling--that nothing is certain. Sometimes, we just have to enjoy writing our story. No matter how many editions or how far it is from the theme you had in mind. You would always get something out of those mistakes. No matter how candid or how stupid. Every chapter counts. This is what brings us to the conclusion of our lives. This is what makes us who we are. No matter how boring or how exciting. It is always part of the plot. No matter how tragic or how exciting. There would always be that someone who is willing to read your story. Someone who is always willing to applaud or cry with you. Someone who is always willing to love you without asking for anything in return. He is always there. Waiting for you to finish your story. No matter how out of order it seems.

psychometrics...

mmpi--minnesota multiphasic personality inventory...

psychodiagnostics...

SSCT--sacks sentence completion test...

one psychological test in the morning--7 am and the other 4 to 7 pm.

seems to me like my mind doesn't want to function any longer. but i have to fight this urge of dozing off and never finishing the tasks left undone...

blank...

i do admit, psychological tests are fun. but being exposed to more than one has its downside as well... whew! it takes years (well i may have exaggerated a lot on the years) to finish answering one test. WEll the psychometrics test that is... it is nerve-wracking! i just want to doze off in the middle of doing the task. if only that was possible...

tests in psychodiagnostics are fun but interpreting it takes a lot of active neurons and a whole lot of patience and understanding and maturity and... the list goes on...

blank again...

i wonder what in the world i am still doing here typing in this journal when what i came here for was to research on the constructs we are including for the construction of our test!

enough...

anyway...

this is my break from all the technicalities and theoretical perspective my course has to offer...

back to work!

here i am typing in front of the screen pondering what to write next...

blank...

i have nothing to say...

i keep switching screens from my article to this. funny how we write stuff about other people we haven't really known or talked about. funny how i was given to write this article about a student who passed away just recently yet haven't met him or even saw him face to face. funny how i accept this job without asking why or how. funny how people can influence you without even really knowing why or how. funny how i keep blabbing...

article done...

needless to say, i still have a quiz in psychodiagnostics and i feel as though i have nothing retained in any region of my brain be it the cerebrum or cerebellum or what-have-you.

anyway...

i'l probably log in a little later again...

my mind is going berserk because i am now sitting beside an air conditioner and i feel as though my fingers and toes are going numb. take note, i'm wearing a jacket already.

i probably have to log out already because i keep saying nonsense stuff.

haha...

tata for now!

c ya in a while...

lui

i just heard that our section would be reshuffled... i really felt so bad because there was already a bond among us. It's kind of frustrating to leave those people behind. it's probably for the best... but then again it's not going to be the same. All my fingers and toes are crossed. i hope they change their mind.

At last! i am finally able to write my first journal entry. truth is... i have nothing substantial to write... my mind is actually going berserk because i have a gazillion things to do! i still i have to write an article, do a formal report and review for a prelim tom! I already want to start but i have no idea where to begin! Aaahh! I was already up at around 5 am for my training for the rowing team and i had to rush back to school for a 9 am trigonometry class. All i heard from my prof was blah blah blah... My eyes are actually giving up on me and i feel like my bed is already calling me...aaahh! i won't succumb to temptation! But i'll probably doze off in the middle of the stuff i'm doing. Please Lord! help me finish the stuff i need to do by tom! I need a miracle... rather i need lots of coffee to keep me alive and awake! tah tah for now! :)